The Art of Setting Boundaries

Physical boundaries are easy to define and usually visible. For example, the walls of your house mark the boundary between your property and the outside world. Similarly, your skin serves as the physical boundary of your body. These boundaries help protect what we own and alert us when they are breached.

However, defining our mental boundaries—and making them visible to others—is much more challenging. Mental boundaries are just as crucial as physical ones because they safeguard our mental assets, such as feelings, behaviors, choices, thoughts, values, attitudes, beliefs, limits, desires, and love. Establishing and maintaining mental boundaries is essential in every relationship, including those with our family, partner, children, and friends. Clear boundaries are the foundation of healthy relationships, allowing us to protect our well-being while fostering mutual respect and understanding.

Develop and Build Boundary

The first step in building strong boundaries is developing awareness of our feelings. We need to recognize, accept, and own our emotions. When we feel angry, sad, or frustrated, it's important to practice self-awareness and reflect on what triggered those feelings. By doing so, we can identify our boundaries—the lines that, when crossed, make us feel uncomfortable or distressed. Take out a pen and write down the situations that have made you feel uneasy. This simple exercise will help you clarify your limits. Now, you have the initial version of your boundaries. Understanding ourselves is a continuous process, and our boundaries may evolve. Keep reflecting, refining, and reinforcing them as you grow.

The next step—perhaps the most challenging—is making your boundaries visible to others by communicating them verbally, followed by action. The most basic boundary-setting word is NO. It lets others know that you exist apart from them and you are in control of you. This can be difficult because setting boundaries may provoke negative reactions such as anger, hostility, withdrawal, or even emotional and spiritual blackmail. One powerful mindset shift is recognizing that others' emotions belong to them. Their feelings—no matter how intense—can't hurt you unless you allow them to. You can show empathy by acknowledging their emotions, but you don’t have to react to them. It is not your responsibility to rescue them from their feelings or take them on yourself. Let their emotions remain theirs, without letting them affect your actions. Don’t treat their negative reactions as a cue for you to fix, soothe, or change anything. Instead, allow them to feel whatever they feel while you decide for yourself what you need to do. By maintaining this perspective, you protect your boundaries from being breached by manipulation, guilt, or pressure. Remember, a good relationship is built on the freedom to refuse and confront. Boundaries are a 'limit test' for the quality of our relationships.

Boundary with Family

Let’s start with parents. For a marriage to thrive, we need to loosen our ties with our family of origin and build new ones with the family we’re creating. For example, you might tell your mom: “I have to prioritize my kids and other responsibilities, so I can’t video chat every day. But I’d love to call you once a week.” Your mom might respond with frustration, withdrawal, or hurt. Hold your boundary and gently say, “I understand how you feel, but this is what I can offer right now. My love for you hasn’t changed.” Boundaries in no way mean stop loving, they give us the freedom to love without resentment or guilt.

Boundary with Friend

We may also find ourselves being taken advantage of or treated unfairly in a friendship. In these moments, it’s important to express how we feel and where our boundaries lie. You might say, “I really value our friendship, but I’ve been feeling like it’s not a mutual relationship. You often turn to me when you’re going through something, but when I need support, I don’t feel like you’re there for me.” This kind of honesty helps highlight the imbalance without attacking the other person. You can follow up with, “If we want to have a lasting friendship, I’d like us to work on this together. Otherwise, I don’t think I can continue in the same way.” Clear, compassionate communication gives the other person a chance to reflect and grow, while protecting your own emotional well-being.

Boundary at Work

Setting boundaries in the workplace can be particularly challenging, especially with colleagues and managers. Let’s start with coworkers. Sometimes, a colleague may try to get you to take on tasks that aren’t your responsibility. You can say no and refuse to do it. If he gets angry at you for saying no, you can respond, “I’m sorry if this upsets you, but that task isn’t part of my responsibilities. I hope you’re able to get it sorted out.” This response shows empathy while reinforcing your boundary. If he continues to push, calmly say, “I’m done discussing this. Feel free to come find me when you’re ready to talk about something else.” Don’t fall into the trap of over-explaining or justifying why you won’t take on their work. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you will not do something that is not your responsibility.

It can be even harder to set boundaries with your manager. If you’re experiencing workload overload, schedule a meeting to review your current tasks. Ask your manager to help you prioritize. If they insist everything must be done, say honestly, “I can’t complete all of these tasks alone—I’ll need support from others.” Realize your limit, and make sure you don't allow work to control your life. Remember, effective workers do two things: 1) strive to do excellent work; 2) spend their time on the most important things. This means say no to the unimportant and say no to the inclination to do less than your best.

We may also encounter critical people at work. Allow them to be who they are, but keep yourself separate from them and don't internalize their opinion of you. You can express how their attitude affects you by saying, “I’d appreciate a different tone—I find it discouraging, and it impacts how I work with you.” If they’re wise, they’ll listen. If they’re not, avoid trying to gain the approval of this sort of person. It will never work, and you will only feel controlled. Don't rebuke mockers or they will hate you, and rebuke the wise and they will love you. Stay separate, keep your boundaries, don't get ducked into their games.

The workplace ideally should be supportive, safe, and nurturing to help employees learn, improve, and get a job done. But it’s important to remember the job can't fulfill what our parents didn't provide in our childhood: primary nurturing, relationship, self-esteem, and approval. That work is yours to do outside the office.

Boundary for Kids

One of the most important things parents can do is create a consistent, warm, loving, and predictable emotional environment. This sense of safety helps children develop an inner security that becomes the foundation for healthy boundaries. When kids feel secure in your love, they can say no to protect themselves—without fearing that their no will cost them your affection. They learn that their no is just as lovable as their yes. Creating inner security in children should go hand-in-hand with teaching age-appropriate consequences. Boundaries are not just about saying no—they’re also about learning that choices have outcomes. For example, you can tell your kid, "I will never stop loving you. That's constant in my heart. However, if you smart off again, you will lose your computer privileges for three days." So the child gets an opportunity to choose responsibility or suffer consequences with no risk of losing love and safety. It’s important to tie consequences as closely as possible to the child’s specific behavior. This mirrors how the real world works and helps them internalize the cause-and-effect nature of their choices. Children need to have a sense of control and choice in their lives. They need to see themselves as choosing, willing, initiative-taking agents of their own lives.

Respect Other's Boundary

As adults, we grow by developing, communicating, and maintaining our boundaries—and expecting others to respect them. Likewise, we should treat others the way we want to be treated. That means accepting no from others and honoring their boundaries with the same grace we hope to receive. This requires wisdom: the ability to discern where you end and someone else begins. When we truly respect another person’s freedom, we don’t react with anger, guilt, or withdrawal when they set limits with us. We see their no not as a rejection of us, but as an honest expression of their needs.