Embrace Imperfection

I didn’t realize I was a perfectionist until I read Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection. Through the book—and a lot of reflection—I started to understand what perfectionism is really made of: where it comes from, how it hurts us, and what it takes to loosen its grip.

Perfectionism is a nice coat of fear. Beneath it are three common fears:

• The fear of bad perception, being perceived as awkward, stupid, goofy, spastic, immature, silly, crazy, uncool, and out of control. Underneath that is a deeper need for acceptance, love, and belonging.

• The fear of blame and shame: being criticized, judged, or made to feel wrong. Beneath it is the longing to feel adequate—complete, worthy, and “good enough.”

• The fear of uncertainty and negative consequences that might follow. Underneath it is a need to feel safe.

Perfectionists believe that if we live perfectly, look perfectly, and act perfectly, we can minimize—or even avoid—the pain of these fears. We think of it as a protector. But the hard truth is that perfectionism isn’t a reliable shield against any of these fears. It doesn’t protect us. It recruits us into constant scanning, fixing, and over-controlling. Over time, it tends to increase anxiety and make fear feel even more inevitable—because the standard keeps moving, and “good enough” never feels safe.

The fear of being bad perception is often rooted in conditional self-worth. We learn to lean on getting approval and acceptance from others to feel good about ourselves. This dynamic is especially common for people who were raised being praised for achievement and performance. We feel worthy only when others perceive us as successful, smart, attractive, and good enough. We want to be able to control what other people think about us so that we can feel good enough. This external reliance nudges us toward perfection: we strive for flawlessness, which reinforces the belief that we are what we accomplish and how well we accomplish it. Our inherent worthiness becomes based on our level of productivity and quantifiable achievements.

The fear of shame and blame stems from universal human inadequacy. All human beings, by nature, carry feelings of inadequacy. Perfectionism becomes the common coping mechanism. A shield we wield to minimize criticism and judgment from others so we can feel more complete and adequate.

The fear of uncertainty is, at its core, the fear of emotional pain. It comes from the anticipation of the negative consequences from events that haven’t happened yet. Perfectionism becomes an attempt to control the uncontrollable—to preempt mistakes, reduce risk, and protect ourselves from uncomfortable feelings. We become deeply unwilling to be vulnerable or exposed to unseen risks, because we instinctively link uncertainty with bad outcomes. But uncertainty isn’t a guarantee of disaster—it’s simply part of being alive, and most of the time it doesn’t end the way our anxious mind predicts.

Instead of using perfectionism as a shield against those fears, we can try to 1) Rebuild our unconditional self-worth; 2) Accept that we are inadequate—and still enough; 3) Grow willingness to be vulnerable.

Rebuild Our Self-Worth: Play + Authenticity + Self-Compassion

• Learn to play and let go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth. Spending time doing purposeless activities that make you feel fun and joyful. Play reminds us that we are more than what we produce. We all have unique gifts and talents, and play is often where they reveal themselves. When we cultivate those gifts and share them with the world, we create a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives—not from proving ourselves, but from expressing ourselves. Most importantly, true play that comes from our own inner needs and desires is the only path to finding lasting joy and satisfaction in our work.

• Learn to be real. The fear of bad perception pushes self-expression into the backseat, replaced by self-protection and self-consciousness. Rebuilding self-worth means getting clear on who you are, what you value, and what you actually want—and then trusting that the real YOU is still worthy of love and belonging. Yes, I am imperfect, vulnerable, and sometimes afraid. But that doesn’t erase the truth that I am also brave enough to be myself—and still worthy of love and belonging.

• Practice self-compassion. Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.

Cultivate Self-Sufficiency: Zoom-out + Gratitude

• Bring awareness to the commonness of inadequacy. Feeling shame, judgment, and blame—and fearing those feelings—are not personal defects. They’re part of being human. Suffering and self-doubt are a shared experience, something we all move through, not something that happens to me alone.

• Zoom out. Shame works like the zoom lens on a camera. When we are feeling shame, the camera is zoomed in tight, and all we see is our flawed selves, alone and struggling. When we zoom out, we start to see a completely different picture. We see many people in the same struggle.

• Practice gratitude, it helps us recognize how good things already are. It pulls our attention away from the endless “not enough” checklist and back toward reality: there is love, support, care, nature, beauty here—even before anything is perfected.

• Choosing a mindset of sufficiency: believe we are enough, no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.

Willing to be Vulnerable: Courage + Calm/Stillness + Faith

• Cultivate the courage to be imperfect—and to be seen while imperfect. Vulnerability means letting our true selves show up. It means daring to be a little goofy, a little awkward, a little unguarded.

  For me, practice to laugh, dance, and sing like nobody is watching. Each tiny moment of “I’ll do it anyway” is practice—proof that imperfection won’t destroy me.

• Practice willingness to embrace our vulnerabilities in the face of anxiety and other negative feelings and emotions by cultivating calm and stillness. Calm requires perspective and mindfulness: Take a breath before responding. Slow to respond and quick to think. Mindfulness of thoughts and feelings so we are not "over-identify" with them, and not caught up and swept away by negativity. For me, a morning run and an afternoon walk increase my daily supply of calm, stillness, and gratitude. I also love words from Kobe Bryant: treat everything as still. Emotions come and go. People come and go. Everything comes and goes. Remembering that creates space—a clearing where I can breathe, observe, and stay present.

• Cultivate faith. Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we can't see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty. Faith matters because wholehearted living requires risk. Most of us want assurance before we dare to be vulnerable—before we love fully, speak honestly, or try something that might fail. Faith is choosing to move anyway. To believe in the unseen. To accept that we can’t control every outcome—and still show up with an open heart.

I want to quote Brene's words at the end of this blog --- In this world, choosing authenticity and worthiness is an absolute act of resistance. You will wonder how you feel so brave and so afraid at the same time, brave, afraid, and very, very alive.